Today I want to talk about forgiveness. We always hear that there is power in forgiveness and that it’s not good to seek revenge, blah blah blah. What I hadn’t heard though, was how to forgive.
Now I am not going to sit here and say that I have the perfect solution but I will tell you what happened for me.
First of all let me start by saying that I have had a problem with this person for at least 10 years. They repeatedly said some things that deeply hurt me and I never moved past it. I did confront the person but they denied it. I think it was difficult for me to move on because they never acknowledged their wrong. Any way I thought at one point I had moved past it because I was able to talk to the person and acknowledge their friends and family, and I was even able to speak to other people about them without being negative. But I noticed in the past few years that my dislike for them intensified. I’m not sure why, nothing had happened between us but suddenly I disliked them even more. In fact I was angry. This is a person I have to see on a regular basis so it wasn’t as easy as distancing myself, and I was seeing them even more thanks to social media and the ill feelings had turn into borderline hate.
DURING THE NEXT YEAR…
I started avoiding them at all cost, taking scenic routes so I didn’t have to speak or acknowledge that they exist. Blatantly ignoring them when I did have to cross paths and openly sharing with people that I was not a fan of that person whenever their name came up. I felt so ashamed. I would ask myself why I was feeling this way, especially when I didn’t want to. I asked myself if I was jealous because I know that emotion can cause people to behave irrationally but I wasn’t jealous. On top of that I REALLY wanted to like this person, to Love this person, to put this issue behind me.
I thought about just having a conversation with the person but felt silly bringing up something that had happened so long ago that I still wasn’t over. I attempted to just push through my feelings and fake it till I make it but any time I talked to them or was even in the same space I felt physically ill. All the while I’m talking to God about the issue like “Why can’t I get over it? Why do they bother me so much? How do I forgive them? How do I move on?”
The thing was eating at me and every time I saw them they seemed unbothered and that frustrated me more. THIS THING WAS CONSUMING ME AND THEY WERE FREE TO MOVE ON! I started to talking to everyone I knew about HOW do you forgive someone. No one had a formula and that is what I needed. One person told me that they prayed on it for years and it just went away little by little till one day they woke up and it was gone. Another said they never forgave the person and the person died and now they feel like they will never be able to really move past it. But that didn’t help me; it inspired me, but it didn’t help me.
Then one night I had a dream. I dreamed that I pulled the person aside and I told them that they had hurt my feelings. And you know what? THEY APOLOGIZED! Then they went on to say all the things I needed to hear (that I didn’t know I needed to hear) and I started crying, and smiling, and we hugged and went our separate ways. When I woke up I was still crying and I couldn’t wait to see this person because you know what? I FORGAVE THEM!
So today I am free! I see the person and I can speak and I can share space with them and I have no ill feelings towards them. And you know what? There is power in forgiveness.
Still learning and growing
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